Pall Malls and Crack, Always a good decision!

"I dont get it.", Said Ross, turning to Calvin as they drove down route 132 in the "Rossmobile".  "I mean, why would she just take all of the Pall Malls?  Why not a more expensive brand of cigarette"?

"I dont know, it all look spretty fishy to me." Answered Calvin, who was less than impressed with waking up at this un-godly hour of the morning to go and spy on his superintendant.  "She has something up her sleeve that might rival her last attempt at geting rid of us."  Calvin was remembering certain events of the past summer, where Tammy had secretly armed Ross's cigars with what she thought was gunpowder.  On the contrary, it was PCP powder and Ross now had a slight twitch when he watched TV for a length of mroe than an hour.

"What makes you think she's trying to get rid of us?  I thought her goal was o take over the world!"

"Right, but in order to do so, she has to get rid of us first.  She knows this, and im pretty sure Mr. Prince knows it too.  They may seem like they're crazy, but when they put their heads together they can do some pretty scary stuff."

Meanwhile, Back at the SAU office...

"When should we put this into action?" asked Tammy, who was rather groggy from staying up all night, re-engineering what would soon be Ross's cigarettes.

"When we finish, my dear." answered Mr. Prince, who was not at all tired, thanks to three sugar pills and a Red Bull.  "The best part has yet to come!"

"What do you mean?" asked Tammy, slightly bewildered that after ten hours of work there would still be more to do.  "Isn't filling a carton of cigarettes with some crack enough to put him out of comission?"

"Not at all, Not at all."  Mr. Prince turned around in his chair, now facing the opposite wall, and wrote something in on his "chart for world domination".  "They are very sneaky individuals, Ross and Calvin, and even if one goes down, the other must go too!"

"So when are we gonna that?" asked Tammy, who was growing mroe and more impatient with every minute of lost sleep.  

There was no answer.  Mr. Prince had crashed from all of the sugar pills and the Red Bull, he would not be awaken for some time.  Tammy decided to go home and get some sleep, so she got up and exited Mr. Prince's office.  Upon her entry into the conference room, she noticed that Rizzo was still sitting in her seat, apparently nobody had told her that the meeting of night prior had been adjourned.

"Oh, come on, Rizzo!" she said, disappointed that Rizzo apprently lacked that much intelligence.  "The meeting was over hours ago!"

"What?" droned Rizzo, from her seat at the far end of the table,  "Hey!  Where did everybody go?"

"Oh For Christ's Sake!" Yelled Tammy.  Why did she always have to be the responsible parent at these meetings?  "Go Home!".  Rizzo gathered up her things and climbed into her vehicle, she thought that it must be getting late, but was bewildered that it was light outside upon her exiting the building.

"I could have sworn it was nighttime!" she thought out loud.

Ross and Calvin drove closer and closer to the school, closer and closer to their possible fate...

The Plan...

When we last left our heroes, they were enjoying the great taste of Burger King inside of their 1984 Bronco.  We now join them back at their apartment...

" Im still hungry." stated Ross, rather loudly as to be heard over the blaring noise of Calvin's Simpsons episode.  "Wanna go back and buy more?"

"I think the government would frown on you using all of our welfare money to buy Burger King, Ross."  Calvin said back, without taking his eyes off of Bart's antics.  "There are plenty of Ramen noodles in cupboard"

"Im getting mighty sick of those noodles" He answered, as he reluctantly took a package out of the cupboard, which contained mostly more noodles, accompanied by an old jar of Peanut Butter that came with the apartment, and some moldy bread that they intended to throw away every week, but always forgot.  Ross remembered once, but decided to leave it anyway just to keep the fun going.  It was all they had.

The last time we saw Tammy, she was driving away from her dubious accomplishment of stealing every Pall Mall in the Citgo station.  We now join her at her lair....

Tammy dialed the familiar seven digit number into her home phone, and listened for a voice on the other end.

"Hello?" said a groggy LaCheapo

"Hey, it's me" answered Tammy.  "I got the Pall Malls"

"What?" asked LaCheapo, confused.  "I didnt know you smoked."

"I Dont!  Its all part of the plan, remember?"

"What plan?" asked LaCheapo, who was now realizing that he had been awoken for no particular reason.  "Is there any reason this couldn't have waited until sometime later in the morning than one o clock?"

"You Fool!" she yelled, growing very aggravated.  "Have you forgotten the plan already?"

"There was no plan!  There was no plan at all!!  YOU are the fool here, Tammy!  YOU are!  This is the most fucking ridiculous ting i have ever heard in my entire life!  I have just been woken up for a worthless phone call about Pall Malls and your global conquest plan!  First of all there is no plan!  Second of all, how the hell do you tie in Pall Malls with global conquest?  Im going to bed!" He slammed the receiver down and rolled over in his bed.  He never got back to sleep.

Tammy was annoyed, but she knew there was someone who would understand her plan. she dialed Mr. Prince's number, but there was no answer.  She then tried his office number.

"Hello?" said a startled Mr. Prince

"Hey", answered Tammy.  " I got Pall Malls"

"Good, Good.  Now Bring them here and we'll decide how to put this in action"

"I'll be over in a few, i just have to eat something before i head out."

"Tammy"

"Yeah?"

"Dont forget those Pall Malls."

"Okay, I'll see you soon."

"Tammy."

"What?"

"We're going to take over the world!"

 

Yet Another day in My Own Shoes

Argh..

so i get home from school today, ready to wilt over and take a nap in my bed, only to find the crumbs of a million snacks infesting my sheets.

I knew that pizza party wasn't such a great idea...

Needless to say, i was entirely unimpressed by the fact that there were some pringles, some cheez puffs, a root beer stain, and enough dog hair to fill a pillow all over my bed.  I laid down anyway, attempting to ignore the loud crunching sound that occured whenever i moved.

I did not sleep hardly at all, and after i had finally drifted away to the land dreams, jena calls.  For christ's sake, i knew i should have turned my phone off.

After this phone call, i turned on some quality television( aka, the people's court) where some guy was complaining about how much it was going to cost to fix the gate that the contractor broke.  Friggin' people, i'll tell ya.

So, it was off to work at three thirty.  I was ready as i would ever be for another wasted night of Burger King nonsense, and of course it was complete nonsense.  I sometimes wonder how stupid one has to be if they cannot memorize the four simple steps to making a steakhouse burger.  Especially when said crewmember has been working there for three months.

I hate people.  Sorry I'm so bitter, but tonight i feel like an angry old lady who has restricted access to her Misty 100's.

gah.

The Environmental Destruction Mobile

When we last left our heroes, they had unanimously agreed to make an attempt at taking over the world.  We noe join them as they leave the meeting....

"Is he coming out?" asked LaCheapo, who was inquiring about Mr. Prince.  

"He sleeps in there some nights." Answered Tammy.  "He'll be fine."

Tammy climbed into her environmental destruction mobile and rode into the night, thinking to herself how fun it would be to rule the world.  She took a left out of the SAU parking lot, and headed to the Citgo station for the most expensive gas in town.  As she headed in the direction of the gas station, she noticed something familiar.

It was the 1984 Ford Bronco.

"I thought i got rid of them!" she said aloud.  "What the hell are the chances?"

Inside the Bronco our two heroes were conversing about what they had heard minutes before.

"This is ridiculous!" said calvin from the passenger seat.  "HOw does she think she is going to takeover the world?  She has to be stopped."

"Well, " Ross began, as he steered the Rossmobile into Burger King. "It appears as if she thinks she has more power than she actually does.  Do you want something?"

"No, Ross.  I dont want anything.  Maybe she has more power than we know of.  Did you ever think of that?"

"I'll have a whopper jr., no mayo or onion.  Yeah, i'll make it a combo.  You sure you dont want anything, calvin?"  Ross asked, appalled that calvin wouldnt want something to eat after a long night of spying.

"uhm, i guess i'll have some small fries."  Answered Calvin, who decided that spy talk could wait until later.  It was time to enjoy some fast food.

Back at the Citgo station...

The store clerk didnt know how to handle the situation, but she decided that if she kept her mouth shut and did what she was told, she might narrowly avoid death.  But then she began to think about how nice it would be to die this early in her shift.  She was already out of cigarettes and had no money.  Suddenly, the barrel of Tammy's gun looked rather inviting.

"Come on, Come on!" Yelled Tammy, holding the Glock like a pro.  "You heard me! I want all of the Pall Malls!  Throw a couple of Black and Milds in there too!"

"Why would you want Pall Malls?" asked the clerk, who bent over to get a back big enough to hold all of the cigarettes.  She decided she would make a half-hearted attempt at being shot.  "They're the cheapest cigarettes we have.  We sell stale Marlboros for more than we sell fresh Pall Malls.  You'd be getting more for your money with Marlboros."  She didnt really care what kind of cigarettes Tammy stole, but she figured that if she could secretly keep a pack hidden, she could have them to herself and say they were stolen.  She didnt care for Pall Malls.

"Are you serious?" asked Tammy, still pointing the gun.  "You have a fucking gun pointed at you and you're jeering the person holding it. "are you fucking serious?" she asked again.

"Fine, Fine.  Jeez." Said the clerk. Pall Malls would have to do for tonight.  "Do you want the cartons still intact or can i just dump all the individual cigarettes into the bag?"

"Why the hell would i just want a bunch individual cigarettes?" asked Tammy, growing more and more dissatisfied with her heist by the second.

"So that i wont have to waste another plastic bag.  It's better for the environment."

"I drive a fucking Land Rover!!" yelled Tammy.  The clerk proceeded to fill two more bags full of cheap cigarettes.  Tammy took them, and then hopped into her Rover and drove off into the night, ignoring her prize, which was sitting on the passenger seat.

Tammy had big plans for those Pall Malls.  Big Plans.

The League of Extraordinary Nitwits

The league of extraordinary nitwits sat around their rectangular table, silently awaiting an appearance from their leader.  The room was cold, as they had decided they could save tax dollars by not heating the building enough to feel warm during the cold, New Hampshire Winters.

After fifteen minutes or so of silence, someone spoke.

"So, What are we gonna do tonight?" asked Tammy from her shady corner of the table.  As soon as these words were spoken, a head popped out from the door of an office.

"The same thing we do every night, Tammy", Said that grey haired, moustachioed man as he peered from behind the safety of his office door.  "We're going to take over THE WORLD!!"

The grey haired man quickly rolled his chair back into his office and began typing away, occasionally pausing to add to a diagram that he kept on the wall.  This man's name was Mr. Prince. He had long been the leader of the league of extraordinary nitwits, and they all respected him.  Not in the way that the apostles respected Jesus, but in the way that you respect your crazy old uncle who has begun to suffer from dementia.

"That's too bad" said LaCheapo.  "It's really too bad that he's gotten like this.  Does anybody else think it might be time to look into alternative living for him?"  LaCheapo was tall, and built.  By definition, he had no real say in any of the leagues affairs, but for the most part he controlled the actions of Rizzo, who was third in command behind Tammy and Mr. Prince.  Rizzo had long brown hair, and often had no clue what was going on.  She generally greeted people with a big, fake smile, and then proceeded to forget the entire encounter within a matter of minutes.  She was, for the most part, worthless.

"Im not sure if he's so crazy after all." said Tammy,  "He may be on to something.  I mean, how cool would it be to take over the world?".  The other members took a second for some deep thought, but most of them were not actually thinking about the consequences of taking over the world.  They were thinking about the repercussions of disagreeing with Tammy.  The only one who was thinkig logically was LaCheapo, who was thinking about how cool it would be to take over the world.  The league unanimously agreed.

Strange things were afoot at SAU 59, and it was only the beginning

Pizza Party

PIZZA PARTY IN CALVIN"S ROOM!!!

Who: Calvin

Where: Calvin's Room

When: RIGHT NOW!!!

Good God, i think i have officially lost it.  I was hungry, and when i opened the fridge i came across some leftover Pizza Hut.  The first thing i thought of when i saw it was: "There is some root beer downstairs, this calls for a pizza party in my room!"

So, here i am, with one slice of pizza and a bottle of root beer that will probably go unfinished, and sit on top of my stereo for weeks on end until someone (my mom, and/or possibly my dad) bribes me into doing something with it.

This is how i get my haircut as well.  I let it get as long, shaggy, and poofy as can be, until my mom can no longer take it.  Then, i let her badger me about it for a week or two.  Then i tell her i really want something, and i will cut my hair if she buys me what i want and pays for the haircut.  I am a con artist, which is why i think i belong in the tobacco industry, maybe in marketing.

Someday.

The Rite-Aid Theory

I really enjoy playing Sim City.  I think everyone should play it.

I found out how to take screenshots of the game while im playing it, so i will have to post some pictures of the city im working on so everyone can see how cool it is.

its not really that cool.

Ugh.

I have also been trying to write a book recently, but i never have the time to sit down and actually think about what i want to write, and then write it.  Blogging is easy because i dont have to think about what i want to write before i write it, i just write what comes to mind.

Today i had to take my grandmother to Rite-Aid, then Hannaford.  I wish i worked at Rite-Aid sometimes, as long as i wasnt in the actual pharmacy.  Think about it, who actually goes to Rite-Aid to get more than just a prescription?  Hardly anyone.  I would bring a book to read, sit down in an uncomfortable chair, and read the shift away.  At least this is what the manager does at the Rite-Aid in Franklin, but I've already discussed how classy Franklin is.

Sometimes i wish i smoked cigarettes, simply so that i could have five minutes now and again where i can let the Pall Malls do the talking.

But Pall Malls dont talk.

Maybe this is a good thing?

"Pall Malls are just a classy way to commit suicide"

-Kurt Vonnegut

The Tobacco Debate

I have a problem with soemthing.  I know, I know, I havealot of problems, but this one is a big one.  I dont understand why the United STates GOvernment insists upon stopping the tobacco industry from advertising anywhere besides Playboy and Maxim.

The problem is, we live ina capitalist society.  Therefore, there should be little to no governemnt interference with economics.  I understand that there has to be a minimum wage and a few tariffs and embargoes here and there, but for the most  part, the government should keep their paws out of the economy.

That being said, the government is attempting to cripple an industry that created America.  WIthout Tobacco, there would have been no succesful colony at Jamestown, which would have crippled immigration to North America, and we would probably still be a very backwards nation.

Anyway, Tobacco shouldnt be treated any differently than any other industry.  Would it be fair to stop Fisher Price from advertising their baby toys on television?  NO!! Plus, it is ridiculous that the government has never done anything to inhibit the sales of beer.  The equation seems backwards here.  The reason being is that cigarettes do not cloud ones judgement, they dont make you a different person, and someone who smokes a lot of cigarettes is a whole lot different than a person who drinks alot of beer.

That's not to say that alcohol advertising should be prohibited either.  We live in (what was once) a true capitalist society, and in order to pull ourselves out of this mess, the government needs to keep their grubby little fingers out of economics, becasue the Bush administration clearly knows nothing about it.

Im done ranting. 

If you actually read this whole thing, Im very sorry.

Im gonna go play Sim City,

Franklin: God's Accident

This morning, i shall prepare for what inevitably comes every Sunday afternoon.  Work at the Whopper Factory from 12-4.  I know that i dont really have anything to complain about, its only four hours, plus most of my friends dont even have a job, so i should be greatfeul.  hah.  who am i kidding?  I work at fucking Burger King.

However, there may be hope after all.  I got an aplication at Subway yesterday, and i have full intentions of filling it out and handing it in.  I was actually planning on dropping it off before work today, but im stil in bed with no intetnions of moving. 

Maybe I'll get it over there eventually.

Here's the catch with Subway.  The good Subway in Tilton doesnt hire anyone under the age of eighteen, so i was forced to get an application at the sketchy Subway in Franklin.  Nothing in Franklin is nice.  The skatepark is a piece if crap, the playgrounds ar crappy, the school system is crappy, the gas stations have cheap gas, but they are so scary that i would rather pay a dime more per gallon in tilton.

Franklin is stuck in the old testament.  Even after the rest of the world (excluding Sudan, Somalia, Mongolia, and Detroit) has moved onto a forgiving God, who is merciful in every way, Franklin still gets tons of shit from God.

Maybe Franklin was the accident child of New Hampshire.  That's not to say that its the only accident child, just the one that everybody frgot about.  Because honestly, if you look at Manchester, it's quite obvious that it's just an accident that was loved.

My God i ramble.

Time to face the world.